If...

If Harry Potter were a softcore porno:

Scene: Hogwarts, Gryffindor boy’s common room, midnight of a cold night during Christmas break. Two lone students sit, the only two Gryffindors remaining at the school during the holiday, Harriet and Preston.

Preston: “so Harriet…”

Harriet: “Preston, the sexual tension is too much. Our author is clearly gently mocking an oversexed British woman.”

Preston: “What?”

Harriet: “Do you want to have sex or not?”

*Harriet removes her blouse, Preston’s eyes wide with shock. Gently and awkwardly fumbling, Preston has a bright idea.*

Preston: Alohamora!, *pointing his wand at Harriet* (pervert. The literal wand. If I was talking about the non literal one, I would have used a stupid euphemism.)

*I’m sure you can guess what would happen. Harriet smirked, which was odd, as apparently only Slytherins are capable of smirking, and they do it entirely too often. Preston just stared at Harriet’s now bare torso*
Harriet: “in that case, maybe I should call an engorgio on your erm… chocolate frog. (Told you I would use a stupid euphemism! Win!)

Preston: (mocking being offended) “ouch.”

*Harriet drew closer, and kissed Preston passionately.*

*End scene, Preston drawing his wand upon himself and muttering “protego”, clearly a great use for a shielding charm indeed.*

If Twilight were a softcore porno:

Scene: A stupid girl that doesn’t really need a name, and a stupid old vampire guy are alone together. The vampire doesn’t want to have sex, furthering the author’s mormonic agenda.

Stupid vampire: *his face is perfect* “I can’t have sex with you stupid girl. I haven’t been laid in almost a thousand years. I’ve forgotten how”

Stupid girl: “Can’t you try? For me?”

Stupid vampire: “I’d love to, but I don’t exactly have blood left to spare.” *he said, perfectly making his perfect face all the more perfect by furrowing his brow.*

Stupid girl: “Alright. Want to get popcorn?”

Stupid vampire: “Alright. I do like Orville Redenbacher .

END SCENE