Bam! This isn't what you think it is at all. Bam! Look at me, it's like I'm Emeril Legassi or something. That guy's a fucking douchebag. Bam!
Once a writing teacher told me never to apologise for my work. He also told me a lot of other stupid things too. I hope he gets pulled over for speeding or something. So yeah, you can tell he wasn't my cup of tea exactly. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're such a goddamn moron, because that's really what all of us are. Morons. We come in all shapes and sizes. All kinds and all flavors. But we're morons all the same.
You might be the kind of moron who sits idly waiting for someone to throw something in your lap
or you might be the kind of moron who enjoys watching soap operas and cries when Roderick finds his long lost baby.
Maybe you're the kind of moron who tries too hard, or the kind of moron who thinks it's cool to pretend not to try at all.
Or maybe you're like me. Maybe you're my kind of moron. My name's Spindle. I'm the king of the morons. The grand poobah of the ill equipped and ill prepared. Try to steal my throne if you dare bitches.
A while back, there was this girl, you see? It's always about some girl. Or some guy if you swing that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But in my case, it's a girl. Got it? Good. I don't want you to make the same mistake Byron did. He was bleeding for a week for calling me a faggot. It's not what he called me, it's how he said it. Like there was something base and vile about it. So now he talks to me real nice, smiles and everything. Like I'm the Prince of Siam. It's bloody brilliant.
So the girl's name was Kira. Kira liked this guy named Robin. I admire a guy named Robin. I really do. It's the kind of name that's conducive to a real sensitive cat. Well, this guy was sensitive enough I guess, but he was a dreamer, always blind to anything that wasn't his own bone brained philosophy. His eyes, oh those eyes. The ladies loved his eyes. They were piercing, and deep, and I guess they all wanted to take a bath in them or something, because there were sure lots of stories about how quickly he could get the ladies to undress for him. They were the kind of eyes that were dangerous, the kind of eyes that any guy with a dick would take full advantage of. I didn't like those eyes. They reflected so much in their inky depths that they didn't see anything. You know?
So Kira liked this guy named Robin. But She didn't like Robin. Robin sure as hell liked Kira though. He was obsessed with her. He wanted to prove how high and mighty he was. He wanted to know that any girl worth knowing in the whole god damn school would scream his name real loud if you know what I mean. Normally Robin would have written Kira off as not worth knowing, but Kira was too special for that. She's a presence. A real presence. Everywhere she goes, people see her and yearn. She's everything they wish they could be. Experienced enough to know just how to make your heart slip and slide like sizzling butter in a frying pan, but still naive enough about certain things to be just so damn adorable. I wish I could say I was an exception, but she even makes a guy like me, who's admittedly rough around the edges, go all soft and tender for a little bit.
Anyway, Kira was pretty oblivious to how amazing she was. Everyone who saw her fell in love with her, but she didn't see it at all. The most beautiful women are the ones who don't know they're beautiful. It's just one of those divine ironies I guess.
I think Robin's sort of an asshole. He always came up to me, suave and pretentious, "Well hello my good man" he'd say, and I wanted to give it to him good. The way he called me a "good man" was so fucking condescending. Everyone knew he was an asshole, but no one would ever say it out loud. Kinda like how your grandma can get away with making racist remarks, because she's "a product of a different age". Robin was a product of a different age all right. It's all so damn confusing how a guy like that got all those women. Any other place but this damnable school, and he'd be made fun of just 'cause his name's Robin. But those eyes. They must have been so reflective all the girls saw themselves in them. There's no better way to get a girl to look you in the eye than having eyes that feed their narcissism. So Robin got women.
End of Part 1
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